Tell me it will get easier!

The kids and I decided to put up the Christmas tree tonight. That meant going into the attic and getting down the Christmas boxes. I hate to go in the attic. I have never seen anything up there, but ever since I lived on Ft Sam and there were rats in the attic that had lived there for centuries, I just try to go into any attic as quickly as possible. Well, I got the boxes down OK and we started to set the tree up. The kids fought over who the different ornaments belonged to and it was painful at times to hear the screaming. It got a little better and each child, Miles excluded, took turns putting ornaments on the tree. It was going well until Rita broke an ornament. It may not have been a big deal but it was one of the two ornaments that I REALLY cared about. It was an ornament our John and I bought on our Honeymoon! It was a hand painted glass ball of the St. Augustine Lighthouse with 1997 painted on it. I started crying and Rita started crying since she broke it. Then Tommy and Rita started yelling at Rita for breaking the ornament, which made Rita cry even more. It may seem crazy, but there are so few tangible items that I have of John and the things we did together, it has brought to surface the fact that he is gone and I can't get him back. Just like the ornament he is gone. I sure hope this gets easier. Needless to say the Christmas decorating for the evening is over!

Happy B-day Miles!

Well, Miles is ONE!!!! His birthday was Nov 17th and on Saturday we had his "offical" party. He had a great time dancing to the music and jumping in the moon bounce. And of course he LOVED the cake! He had his own of course and he ate the whole thing. He was eating it by the fistful! It was hilarious but we paid for it in stinky diapers the next day. Luckily Nana, Aunt Janet and Grammy were here to change them and I got a break! We winded up having a great party, but his actual B-day was a lot harder for me at least. It is amazing to think how different things are in just 1 year. I was really sad thinking about Miles' birth and that we had no idea that John was ill. The memories are good, but the contrast is hard.

Before the Bday party Tommy competed in the Academic Olympics. He was in numbersense. It is a math competition where you have to do math in your head. You have 10 minutes to do as many of the 80 math questions. You are competing against yourself and get awarded Gold, Silver or Bronze by your score. It is VERY difficult. There were about 25 kids with one getting Gold about 6 getting Silver and the rest Bronze. Tommy did great and got Silver! He was excited. He would have loved to get Gold of course but I think he knew he did his best. It was so cute to see him nervous. He had to be there at 7:30 AM and he woke up at 6:30 AM on a Saturday and came in to see if I was ready to go! He is planning on continuing to do Numbersense until he gets a Gold and then he plans to retire! At least that is what his plan is for now. I told him that he could continue even if he got a Gold and try to get another Gold but he said,"No, that is OK I can do something else then!" I guess he just wants to prove he can do it then move on.

Well, next week holds Thanksgiving and I am cautiously approaching it. I do have a great deal to be thankful for, but I am still grieving and I am not sure how I will handle it. I guess we will know next week and I hope I handle it well!

Back to the Grindstone

Well, I started back to work on Monday the 9th. I guess it is good to stay busy but getting up at 5:30AM to get ready before the kids are ready is for the birds. I really enjoyed getting up at 7 AM and dropping the kids off at school and not worry about having to shower first, but I think my work would have some problems with it. Going back to work was a little emotional and stressful. At times I can't explain the emotions that I feel or why, but I just don't feel myself. I guess deep down the idea or returning to normal life makes me sad and a little angry. So I guess I did not hide my emotions very well, because I was informed by my friend and SLP at work that I scared the Speech Student. Apparently I gave her the "hairy eyeball" when she said hello to me. So that made me feel real good. I guess I am not as good as an actress as I thought. I spent most of the morning grumpy and not being very friendly, but them once I realized I was scaring everybody I tried to have a different attitude. The afternoon was better and more people actually spoke to me! It is amazing what people will do when you don't look like you want to hurt them. I never did want to hurt anyone, just looked like it. Anyway getting back into work has been good and makes the days go by faster. I wish there was a way I could figure out how to work 4 days a week for 5 hours each day BUT get paid as for 40 hours. I have mentioned it to my boss a few times over the last 2 days but for some reason he does not seem as excited about it as me. Oh well, I guess I have to do the 40+ hours grind and be grateful for my job.

What was I thinking?!?

Well, in my attempt to be organized and have activities planned for the family as well as trying to be more active, I tried something new. The kids and I talked about how we could be more active and decided that we would go on a walk after work/school. Sounds easy enought huh? Well, picture getting home at 6:15 during day light savings time, getting the kids ready and going for the walk. Don't forget that I have a 1 yr old and a 3 year old that thinks she is the baby. So I get the 3 year old in the stroller, the 1 year old in the hiking backpack and start to get ready. Oh wait there are 2 dogs, exercise would do them good right? Well, I can only find one lease so I take one dog, the 1 year old in the hiking backpack and the 3 year old in the stroller. Tommy decides he wants to take his scooter and Sheridan is going to "push" the stroller. It is starting to get dark so I give Rita the 1 year old a flashlight. So off we go!!!! Well, Sheridan can barley see over the stroller and Tommy is trying to have the dog pull him on the scooter. Since it is getting dark I decide we will go around the neighborhood once. This includes "the bumpy road". Now imagine that Sheridan has gotten tired of pushing the stroller, it has gotten very dark and Tommy has not faired too well with the dog pulling the scooter. So now the picture looks like Tommy pushing/carrying his scooter, Sheridan walking, Rita in the stroller and Miles in the hiking backpack. So that leaves ME carrying Miles in the hiking backpack (all 23 pounds!), ME pushing Rita in the stroller on the bumpy road, and ME walking the dog at the same time! All the while Rita is playing with the flash light so it looks more like a night club strobe light than the intended headlight and everytime a car comes I have to push the stroller onto the grass so that we don't get hit! Well, that was Monday and we didn't go Tuesday, go figure!

A New Beginning

Well, I am attempting to start a new blog as I am going to close down the caring bridge website. It has been a wonderful outlet, but now that John is gone it seems like it was more for his illness and his battle. Once I close it down I can also have the journal entries and guestbook entries put into a book. I think that will be neat for the kids when they are older. This website set up here is much more complicated than Caring Bridge so I hope I can figure it out and do it correctly. It may be a learning process. It has been 4 weeks since John died and at times it still does not seem real. I return to work on Monday the 9th. Part of me is looking forward to it because it will keep me busy, but part of me is scared on how I will get everything done at work and school. I know there are many single moms out there that do it every day so I guess I can too!

We went to San Antonio for Halloween and the kids had a good time. Tommy was Bobo Fet (spelling?), Sheridan was an Asian Princess, Rita was Snow White and Miles was a bat. They all looked so cute and got entirely too much candy. I think I am eating more of it then they are. Not a good thing! This is the time that I wish I was one of those people that forgot to eat when they were stressed rather that being the stress eater that I am. It is amazing how good chocolate can make you feel, for a few minutes anyway! But going thru this stressful time and having Halloween happen at the same time is quite convenient! Small candy bars readily available is good and bad!

I have had sick kids this week. Rita had fever on Monday and now today Miles has fever. I took Rita to the doctor just to be safe and she was negative for the flu. Rita seemed to get better in 24 hours so hopefully Miles will be the same. I guess it is good that it happened this week instead of next week when I go back to work. Hopefully we can keep it from Tommy and Sheridan. Other than that life goes on. As much as I want it to rewind 8 months it doesn't work that way. The kids and I have good and bad days. Sometimes good and bad minutes or hours. But we talk about it try to heal. Rita is the hardest right now because she does not understand the concept of death. Last night she said, "when daddy gets better and comes back..." Heartbreaking! I am not sure at what age she will be able to understand the finality of it. I guess time will tell.

Hopefully my first blog was successful and I did not just spend to last 30 minutes typing for nothing!